


Aftermath

by Moremoran



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Reichenbach, Post-The Reichenbach Fall, Triggers, mormor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3390827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moremoran/pseuds/Moremoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After faking his own death Jim Moriarty is forced to deal with the aftermath of his decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Everything was cold, really very cold. From the very core of his body everything seemed to be made of ice. His eyes slowly began to flicker as light began to filter through. He blinked and shielded his eyes from the sun slight and that's when he felt the ache down to his bones. His head was throbbing and as he reached back to feel what it was his joints began to pop and crack. There was a tightly wrapped bandage around his head and as he pressed a little firmer he could feel a subtle wetness to the bandages. His fingers were stained red after that, taking him a moment or two to realize it was blood and it shocked him more than anything. 

Why was he bleeding? Why couldn't he remember getting here? And where exactly was here. 

He stood up and looked around, the sound of cars passing by was loud enough to worry him. He was in a dark damp room, only three concrete walls and a cot for a bed. The window was hardly that, more of a hole in the east facing wall. Over his shoulders was an ill fitting coat that hung off him and felt heavier in one pocket than the other. His hands shook a little as he reached in, unsure of what he would find. A cold, metallic device wrapped in a piece of torn paper. 

Your name is Jim, you've had an accident and you probably can't remember. Do not call Sebastian. Do not answer any phone calls. You're going to be okay. Just survive for a few days before I can come get you.  
I love you.  
\- SM

The handwriting was familiar but nothing he could place. He just kept staring at the first few lines. His name was Jim. The felt right. Jim. Okay sure. He's had an accident, and can't remember. We'll take seemed to fit very well with how he felt just then. And the blood on the back of his head. The rest made him Jim a little confused but maybe he needed to just walk around a bit to jog some memories. He looked at the phone found in his pocket and turned it on. The bright white light coming from it made him squint before he found a way to decrease the brightness and on the background he saw two men smiling. A blond haired man holding the brunette, smiling like a shark while the other smirked and seemed to be the one holding the camera out to take the picture. It made Jim smile and he ran his thumb over the glass screen where the blond man was. It made the time appear on the screen and battery percentage. **08:23 16, March. 99% battery**. He swiped the screen again to make the background appear and Jim smiled at the picture. He didn't know who it was but his heart tugged as if strung from his chest to the man on the screen. Maybe that was SM who said he loved him. 

Jim turned the phone off and put it and the note back into his pocket before zipping the coat up. He walked outside of the little structure and looked around before realizing he was in an abandoned complex. He had no idea where he was or what city this was, it looked like the outskirts of a town but the more he walked the closer he seemed to be in an inner city. It smelt bad and the bitter cold wind had him chilled to the bone while he searched for something to tell him just exactly where he was. 

It was almost an hour before he jogged up to someone and asked in a scruffy voice, "Where am I?" 

The response Jim was given was as far off as you could get, he didn't even know what language it was let alone what they said. The only thing he did know was that this wasn't home, this wasn't anywhere near home and everything suddenly got ten times more frightening.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim spent the next few hours working out where he was. Where whoever SM was dropped him and left. He was so angry, and scared to death. Nothing was written in any language he knew, no one spoke anything he understood and he couldn't remember where he was from to even ask. It was getting dark so soon he had to be somewhere far north, God it was so cold and the wind never died down. 

He walked along the now busy street and bumped into someone making him run into a fruit stand sending apples and other small fruits falling to the ground and the owner out to shout at him in the unfamiliar tongue. He scrambled and tried to pick everything up while pocketing one without being spotted, quietly saying he was sorry as quickly as he could before running off. He ran and didn't stop even when he realized he was going the wrong way, he just didn't want to stop and face the fact that he had no idea where he was going. It wasn't until his head was pounding so hard he had to sit down and breathe for a minute that he stopped. Finding a wooden pallet in an alleyway where he could sit and catch his breath seemed to be the second break he had that day. The first being the apple he'd stolen. Jim bit into it and juice gushed down his chin but he didn't care. It was sweet and wet, he hadn't realized how thirsty he was until he had something on his tongue. Jim was gnawing at the core in no time and he tossed it away before leaning back against the wall. He let his eyes fall shut as he tried to will the headache away. 

The bandages were starting to itch around the wet spot he felt that morning but when he went to lift them they snagged on what he assumed were stitches and he hissed from the pain. His eyes opened and rolled back in his head from the now throbbing almost unbearable pain. He must've been given some pain killers before he woke up that hasn't completely left his system until now. His head felt like a thousand pounds and everything hurt from moving to just looking around. He swore under his breath and pulled his knees up to his chest so he could rest his head on the tops. It took ages for him to gain some sort of will to look back up only to find the sun had set and everything was in shadow. 

Jim walked from the alleyway to the sidewalk and looked down both ways before going left towards the city. The sky had a soft yellow glow from pollution and city lights, he didn't know why it seemed so familiar but he followed the feeling. After what felt like half an hour he turned on the phone he kept in his pocket and waited to see the picture illuminated there. The smiling blond man holding him like he hung the moon and painted the stars. Jim's lips stretched into a smile as he walked and kept his eyes on the glowing mobile in his hand. He swiped once go see the time, going on half six that evening and he wondered what day it was. Not that he had much use for the day of the week, just a habit of knowing. 

By quarter past seven he was in the city, wandering around looking for a place to stop. He was tired and his head hurt so much his eyes watered and his stomach felt queasy. Jim should've never left that little room he woke up in, should've just waited there for SM to come back and get him. God he could kick himself for being so foolish and wandering off. It was getting darker and colder by the minute, and he was still looking for anything abandoned he could sneak in to. And the next time he looked at his phone it was dropping to seventy percent battery and he'd only had it on for three hours.

Jim pulled the oversized coat around his body a little tighter as he walked through the maze like alleyways until he found an opening in a wall. It looked like it used to be flat's that had just fallen apart, some sort of government project for welfare cases. He crawled in through the broken boards in the back and squinted to try and see what was around him. Knowing it was his only light source, Jim pulled out his phone and shone the light on the ground in front of him. The sights made him recoil but he couldn't be very picky. There were discarded blankets on the ground, condom wrappers, empty syringes, blood and trash everywhere. It looked like it had been gutted months ago and left as a shell, there wasn't anything left but a broken toilet and garbage. 

Finally finding a somewhat clean corner, Jim sat down and took off the coat to turn around and wrap over his body as he leaned against the wall. He turned the phone brightness down before checking the time and he almost dropped it when he saw the battery life had dropped so fast. Fifty-three percent now after he had the brightness turned up so high and the cold air sucking the life right out. He silently said goodnight to the man in the picture and turned it off to try and save as much as he could. Jim pulled the coat up to his chin and closed his eyes. He had no idea how exhausted he was, sleep gripping him like death in a matter of seconds.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was nearly the same as the previous, Jim just didn't wander too far from his new dwelling. He was so tired and beginning to feel the dehydration set in. And he quickly realized finding water was a lot harder than getting something to eat which really bothered him but there wasn't much he could do. There was a fountain in a square of a garden he snuck in to and cupped his hand under the trickling water not caring how ice cold it was when the moment it hit his lips, he groaned in satisfaction. He drank until he heard someone getting closer and went to run before slamming into what felt like a brick wall. Jim looked up from the ground and his heart sank when he saw it was a man twice the size he was. He was pulled up from his collar and thrown towards the entrance of the private garden as he was shouted at in the foreign language. Of course, he supposed, he was lucky to have just been tossed around rather than beaten to death. 

The wind began to pick up as Jim walked down a street adjacent from where the abandoned flat was, he had the jacket zipped up to his neck and his hand shoved into the pockets. One was gripping onto the phone as if it was someone's hand. He so wishes it was, just so he wouldn't be alone. The words from the note kept running around in his head; Just survive for a few days before I can come get you. I love you. SM. I love you. Someone loved him... But if they loved him, really loved him why was he alone? Why was he abandoned in this strange place without anything. Just a phone and scribbled note. He pulled out the phone just to look at the background image again, the small vibration it had when the device turned on gave Jim a rush of excitement now. Knowing what would appear once the little white apple faded away. He smiled like an idiot, that beautiful smiling face looking right at him gave him butterflies. 

Jim walked as he gazed down at the illuminated picture as if it held the answers to the universe and didn't even mind the cold burning his fingers. But he didn't pay attention where he was going and bumped into a stranger passing by, dropping the phone onto the pavement. Anyone would've thought he dropped a baby with how Jim reacted. He all but shrieked and grabbed the phone, gasping in pain when he turned it over to see the glass had cracked across the screen. He swiped over it and the jagged edge cut his thumb. His entire body was shaking as he held the broken phone, the black screen looked like a death sentence than anything else. He ran back to the road his temporary home was on and didn't stop until he was crawling through the hole in the back wall and could pace around inside as he waited for the phone to turn back on. 

His hands were still trembling as he pushed the power button again and prayed to whatever God was there that maybe, fucking maybe the phone wasn't so badly damaged. Jim nearly dropped the phone again when it began to flow and he felt the faint buzzing. He laughed and felt tears prickling his eyes, just to be so happy to see that smiling face behind the tiny cracks in the glass. Even if it was broken and a little discoloured now, he didn't care as long as he could see SM's face. Jim gripped the phone in both hands as he sat down on the disgusting trash covered floor but he didn't care. Tears streamed down his face as he held the phone close to his chest. He was so happy, so completely relieved that his phone turned on and he didn't feel so alone then. In that moment it was like someone was holding onto him, in that moment he wasn't just surviving. 

It had been three days now, the note said just a few days so it had to end soon. He'd be with SM again and maybe his memories would come back soon after he saw him. This would end soon, it had to. He promised. SM promised he would come back and find him. Take him home.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn't over. He wasn't home. It had been five days since he dropped his phone and now he had seven percent battery left. Jim had kept his phone off for the majority of the last few days after accidentally sleeping with it on. He was panicked now, starving, so thirsty and was filthy. His face was dusted with dirt and sweat stained, his jeans were getting stiff and he felt like his stench was radiating. The man could hardly get up let alone running the streets looking for something to eat or some way to recharge the battery of his phone. He just sat on the makeshift mattress and thumbed over the broken screen not caring if it cut him or not. 

"You're coming to find me." He whispered to himself, alone in the dark. "You're probably looking for me right now SM. I should've stayed in that room." Jim shook his head and laughed quietly, "You're going to be so mad when you see where I've run to." 

He took out the phone and smiled at it, seeing himself in the reflection but not quite registering who it was. 

"I love you. I promise I won't run anywhere else again. I'll wait right here and you'll come find me." Jim smiled, kissed the top of the phone and closed his eyes as he rested his forehead on the edge of the mobile. 

When he looked out again the light was getting dusky, and he supposed one look wouldn't hurt. Jim turned the phone on and waited impatiently to see the somewhat disfigured image of his love. The phone's light flickered and seemed to struggle. He turned down the brightness only to see a blinking red light by the top right corner. 

**Five percent left.**

"No... No don't go." Jim gripped the phone with both hands. His eyes burned into the glass as he tried to look into his lover's. 

"No you can't go. You're looking for me. It's time to go home you can't leave without me."

**Four percent left.**

"No! Don't go!" His voice cracked as he shouted now, "SM you can't! You can't go! Please..." He jumped up and ran to the broken out window, "Someone please! Help." 

Jim paced back and forth looking down at his dying mobile and practically sobbed as he watched the percentages fall, feeling helpless. 

**Two percent left.**

"Don't go. Please. I won't run anywhere I promise. I'll be right here. Don't go don't leave me all alone again. Please. You're all I've got i-" 

The phone went black, it didn't even vibrate. Just. Black. Jim blinked and pressed the little round button again and again, then held down the power button. Nothing. Just black. He screamed and shook his head as painful hot tears streamed down his face leaving watermarks in trails across his dirty skin. 

"No! No, please come back! Don't leave me here alone!" 

He fell onto the floor and wept over his phone as if someone died in his arms. They might as well had, for Jim this was all he had. This was it. And now it was snuffed out light a candle's weak flame. He was left alone, in the darkness, with a useless phone in his hands and a broken heart.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sunmery will contain spoilers but violence trigger warning**
> 
> there is a rape scene. No details just mention proceed with caution. I just wanted to have a warning

After Jim's phone died it felt like hope was lost. Two days came and gone before he realized no one would be finding him any time soon. It took him so long before he was able to find enough food to last him a while. He'd gone searching the day before and found a restaurant that backed into an alleyway with two big skips they dumped their unused or discarded food into. He scavenged like a vulture and took away as much as he could carry. Whatever he could find he grabbed and took back to his little home. He'd pushed most of the trash away from where he slept and ate so there was a three foot square that was relatively clean. 

Speaking of which, by this point his bandage had fallen off, exposing his wound to the elements. It would scar pretty badly now as the stitches itched so much he tore some of them and it kept bleeding. And his hair wasn't growing back very quickly as he was so malnourished. He was however able to find access to some sort of recreation building and snuck into the locker rooms where he could shower. It was only once or twice before he was found and kicked out but he felt better for a while. And before long he'd just find another one. Every couple of days he would move to a new place, a new abandoned flat, store, under a bridge or behind a business. He was learning how to survive though he was forgetting how it was to really live. 

_____________________________

He'd been out there for three months now, looking like skin and bones if you ignored the shaggy unruly hair and beard he now wore. His eyes were sunken in and he was so jumpy. God he was getting used to being out on his own but he never got over not knowing where he was. But now more than ever as he was walking from dumpster diving for his dinner and he knew someone was following him. 

Jim bit his lip and gripped hard onto the phone he still had in his pocket and walked a little faster. Then he glanced over his shoulder and saw three of them. Three very large, very scary looking men in the shadow of night. When they turned the corner after him, he ran. Dropped the plastic bag of trash and just ran as fast as he could. But it wasn't enough. He didn't trip like some bad scripted horror film he just wasn't fast enough. They were so much bigger than him, they were so strong and he was so, so tired. 

There wasn't anything he could do, he couldn't screen, he hadn't spoken for months, it was as if he didn't know how anymore. He couldn't get away when two held him down and the other - he couldn't get away. They all just... They took turns. They pushed his face into the dirt and gravel and took him. Like he was a dog, or an object for their sick lust and pleasure he was thrown to the ground and used. His body ripped and tore, eyes glistened with tears as he gasped and struggled to breathe. Jim tried to will himself to pass out but it was like God wanted him to live this punishment out fully aware. It went on for so long, it felt like decades, painful eons of time before they got tired of him. Leaving him bleeding and broken. One even tried to rob him but just threw the phone down onto the ground and smashed it under his boot. The others spat on his back and left him there. This shivering mess of a man 

He had survived for so long and thought the loss of that picture was the worst thing to happen to him, he had no idea the evil in the world would find him. Jim couldn't move for hours. The sun began to rise before he pushed himself up and limped towards the nearest shelter he could find. He laid down on a broken down cardboard box and curled up into the smallest form he could make, the coat now ragged and stained draped over him like a blanket as he tried to sleep just to escape this nightmare for a few hours.


	6. Chapter 6

A few weeks passed and Jim started getting a hold of himself again, eventually finding a shelter to sleep in a few nights out of the week and they even helped shave his scruffy beard that still had blood and grit in it. The newly shaven face gave him a less homeless appearance and he actually blended in with the youth of the area, something about his oversized shirt and coat with his torn jeans made him blend in a little. Until you got close and could smell the months of dirt and sweat on him. But it did help him out a few times, finding himself on the receiving end of advances from men on the street. 

It happened once and he didn't really understand what he wanted but when he was given a wad full of cash, he didn't ask any questions. Jim went along with it and freaked out only once when he saw the man drop his trousers and suddenly knew what was about to happen. He'd been taken to a small flat in an area he didn't know very well and was bow face to face with a stranger and his erect cock now nudging his thigh. When he tried to back away the man grabbed his neck and threw him into the bed and had his way. The hand around his throat helped persuade Jim into not screaming or try to leave. And the money had him wondering that night if he should try to do this again. 

Two weeks passed and Jim started hanging around other men and women of the night. He was a little scruffy again but some boys thought it was sexy, or at least that's what he got from how they sauntered their way to him and whispered in his ear. Jim would take them to a dingy flat he knew about and did whatever they wanted, using the money to buy condoms he insisted they wear. Of course the language barrier made it harder and a little frightening when they began to shout and take the money back. He was so scared he would end up with some horrible disease he would let money slip from his grasp and watch them walk away. 

He slowly began to make money, not enough to live in a flat or anything but he was able to get water and some bread every day. Jim even bought razors to shave where he could to keep himself looking less homeless by any means. He used facial wipes to wash himself and finally had the money to buy a toothbrush and feel a little clean again. And after a month of this lifestyle he started understanding the language around him, at least about sex. He found ways to say no, and what he would do, making it a little safer for him. That was true at least until he went onto someone else's turf. 

Jim tried to pick up a guy who passes by looking for some woman. He was getting pretty close until she came out of no where with a 2x4 and slammed it against Jim's side, sending him down onto the ground. She beat the shit out of him until he passed out from the pain. The message was clear then, this was her area, her clients, and he wasn't welcome there. 

He woke up with a broken rib or two, bloody nose and all of his money was gone from his pockets. Even the broken phone was stolen from his coat and he was back at square one. Jim couldn't afford to rest but there wasn't much he could do like this, and it wasn't as if the men that came to see him were understanding in how the whore was feeling. But he needed to eat, he was so close before to stay in a hotel for a few nights. The out of place Irishman picked himself up and tried to brush himself clean before he limped to the side of a wall, wiping the blood from his face onto the sleeve of his coat. He caught his breath before spotting someone who looked like they were hunting for someone. With his best "come hither" smile and bedroom eyes, he walked over to him and started asking if he was looking for someone special. The man whipped around and made a sudden move towards Jim which had him flinching and his eyes went wide. 

"Jim?" The stranger furrowed his brow and reached out to touch him before Jim went running as fast as he could. 

He didn't stop until he felt someone grab his arm and he started shouting. 

"Let me go! Please don't hurt me don't hurt me please!" Jim struggled and tried to pull away from the blond but he wouldn't let go. 

"Jim, Jim please it's me, it's Basher, James. It's me..." Sebastian tried to soothe him, pulling Jim from the street and into an alleyway. 

Jim pushed away and tried to fight him, shouting in the strange language for help. He kept hitting the stranger as hard as he could, but he wouldn't let up. He grabbed Jim by both arms and pulled him as close as he could despite his attempts to get free. 

Sebastian put his arms around the flailing body and held tight, breathing heavy from running so far. He slowly began to rock side to side, whispering the soft words of a song that used to mean so much between them. 

"You are my sunshine...my only sunshine," he kissed Jim's head and kept going, "you make me happy, when skies are grey... You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away..." 

Jim had wriggled and thrashed to get free, until he heard the ghostly familiar tune being sung to him. He slowly stopped fighting and looked up at the strange man who then smiled at him. That's when he saw it. The smiling blond man. The one from his phone. 

"SM!" He shouted in excitement. "I thought you'd left me forever..."

Sebastian frowned then but realized what Jim meant. "It's me, Sebastian. Sebastian Moran. I've been looking for you everywhere, sunshine... I'm sorry I'm so late."


	7. Chapter 7

"You're really him?" Jim asked cautiously, they were inside a cafe and he had a warm cup of coffee in front of him while the stranger fixed it with sugar and milk. 

"I'm really him, James. I'm Sebastian. I left you that note and the phone. That coat is mine but I wanted you to have it while I was gone." He smiled at him and tried very hard not to touch him after the last time Jim had nearly broken his arm. 

"In your note you said..." He looked down and pulled one of his legs up onto the chair so he felt a little smaller. "You said you'd find me in a few days."

Jim pulled out the crumpled old note and slid it over the table for Sebastian to see it. 

"See? It says 'I'll come get you in a few days'. And you were gone for..." He didn't know exactly how long it has been. 

"Seven months..." Sebastian sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He thumbed over the rim of his coffee cup. "Can I take you home now?" 

Jim bit the inside of his cheek before nodding. He didn't touch the hot cup so they just left, Sebastian with one strong arm around Jim's shoulders to keep him as close as he could. 

"I need to sort out our flight plans, so I'll just need to stop at a hotel okay?" Sebastian waited for Jim to nod before they got into a cab. 

He felt so filthy next to the clean ~~stranger~~ Sebastian, Jim didn't want to be anywhere near him like this. So he sat as far away as he could, keeping his eyes down most of the ride save for the little stolen glances he would take of this supposed friend. When the car stopped Jim looked out the window and winced away. His hands going over his face as he doubled over laying his head in his lap. 

"Jim? Baby what's wrong?" Sebastian reached out to touch his back. 

"No!" He shouted and backed up hard against the side of the door and trembled. 

The ex-soldier pulled back and looked from Jim to the sidewalk and couldn't figure out what was so wrong. 

"I don't want to be here. Not here. Please." He was visibly shaking now, not daring to look up. 

"Okay, okay it's fine I'll- I'll just take us somewhere else." He leaned forward and told the driver to go to another hotel, anywhere just away from this one. 

Jim peeked out from his hands and looked up at Sebastian once he felt the car moving again. But he didn't say anything, still freaked out and finding it a lot harder to be in the cab than before. He started bouncing his leg again and again, scratching aimlessly at his right arm with jagged nails as his anxiety began to grow. What if this was a trick. A game. A very bad bad game he was sucked in to and they just wanted to watch him suffer. Jim started rocking back and forth and when the cab stopped at a traffic light he bolted. Just ran out of the cab without looking back, ignoring the screaming pain in his side. 

It took about a second before Sebastian was out running behind him, shouting for him to stop. He chased him for blocks and it only made Jim run harder trying desperately to get away. He would have done it too if it hadn't been for a car parked in a loading zone to the back of a restaurant. He ran into it and fell back onto the pavement. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath but everything went fuzzy, sound muffled like he was underwater and then everything just went black. 

 

When Jim came to again he was in a bed, his clothes still on but he was tucked into a clean bed with a plush duvet around him. The light was dim and his head throbbed a little when he moved but he wasn't as scared now. Just for this moment he wasn't ready to run. That didn't stop him from jumping when he heard the door open. 

"It's okay. It's okay it's just me, I just wanted to check on you...you really scared me back there Jim." Sebastian went to the side of the bed and sat down, not touching Jim until he was ready. 

"Where am I?" The timid man asked, his eyes skeptical. 

Sebastian sighed and looked down at his hands, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. "You're in a little city in Latvia. I needed somewhere that didn't speak much English and, well you don't know Latvian or Finnic so..." 

Jim looked away and nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. "Where am I from?" 

"Originally? Ireland. But we moved to England when you were about fifteen." 

"We?" That took his attention more than anything else. 

"Yeah, you ran away from home and, well I was, I am your best friend so I went with you." Sebastian spoke with a quiet hope in his voice. 

Jim clenched his jaw and wrapped his arms around his legs and wrinkled his nose. "Can I...can I have a shower?" 

"Yes!" Sebastian jumped up and went into the ensuite bathroom to turn on the shower and darted back out as if his feet were on fire. 

Jim watched him in some concern but didn't move until Sebastian just stood still. "You're excited about this..." He stated quietly while he slowly got up from the bed. His side still ached from that horrible woman beating him with that goddamn piece of wood but he made it to the threshold of the bathroom. 

Sebastian was standing relatively close to Jim which had him turning around over his shoulder, "You're not coming in." He said firmly. 

The sniper nodded and stepped back, "Sorry. Right. I'll just wait for you here."

Jim glanced back before shutting the door and locked it. He stood there in the small room as it filled with steam and tried to process everything he'd just been told. He didn't even know how old he was and he had been told he had a past, a home he ran away from, a family probably that didn't know where he was, who knows what happened when he was fifteen to make him run. Then there was Sebastian, who was apparently his best friend. He loved him, that's what he said at least. Jim knew he should've been happy about all of this but he didn't feel the same as when he looked at that picture on his phone all those months ago. It just wasn't happening and maybe it never would. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath even if it made him since, then began to undress. There was a scattering of dirt by his feet as he took off his clothes, then shoes and ratty old socks. He left them in a pile in the corner of the bathroom and stepped into the shower. Finally feeling warm water for the first time in weeks. Jim groaned aloud as he washed off the dirt, sweat and grime from his body. Watching as it made the water at his feet brown and murky then swirl down the drain. He used almost half the bottles of shampoo and conditioner, then washed his body about four times until he was red from the hot water and scrubbing. His skin prickled but he wouldn't stop until he felt clean. 

As Jim stepped out from the shower his skin rose with goose pimples and he shivered well after he had a towel wrapped around his shoulders. He stood in front of a fogged mirror for a long while before wiping the steam off and got a good look at himself. His eyes had sunken in, cheekbones and jaw prominent now that he's lost so much weight. The beard had begun to grow back and it made him look dirty. 

There was a soft knock at the door and from inside he could hear Sebastian, "Jim? I just wanted to check on you..." 

"M'fine..." He mumbled back as he searched the drawers and cupboards for scissors and a razor. 

Jim found what he needed and went to work. First carefully shaving off the beard as closely as he could, though it resulted in some cuts along his jaw and neck. He dabbed them with the flannel on the sink until the bleeding stopped and started with his hair. It had grown so long by then, he could've tied it back in an elastic band but when he held it back in one hand he didn't like it. So he began cutting, lock by lock it fell into the sink and onto the floor. He didn't stop until it was short, and a little uneven but it was better. Looked a little healthier and it was a little therapeutic to get rid of it after so long. 

Jim turned to go for his clothes but hated the idea of putting that back on again and opted for the white fluffy robe instead. He cinched it tight around his waist before slowly opening the door. 

"Hi..." He rubbed one arm and kept his eyes down even after Sebastian jumped up again. 

"Hi. Hi, you look...I like your hair better this way, you looked really different with it long." Sebastian smiled some and hesitated before reaching out for Jim's hand. 

Jim looked at his hand before shaking his head. "Um, will you - or could you tell me about...about me now?"


	8. Chapter 8

Sebastian blinked for a moment before nodding and he went to Jim right away. "Yeah, yeah of course I can i just thought that... Well maybe we should be home first. Maybe it would help you remember."

Jim had climbed back into the bed and put himself safely under the duvet while Sebastian sputtered out whatever it was he was saying and then simply said, "No." It has the sniper frowning and about to speak again before Jim interrupted. 

"I'm - i don't remember anything about who I am, and you know everything. I want to know something about my life before I go home with someone I don't even know." 

"Okay, I guess that's fair enough." He sat down in a chair across from the bed and leaned forward so his elbows propped up on his knees. "So where do you want me to begin? You're thirty seven so there's a lot to cover."

Jim bit the side of his lip and then shrugged, "I guess - why am I here? Why can't I remember?" 

Sebastian stared at him for the longest time, how was he supposed to get into that without starting from the beginning? The pause must've made Jim anxious because he got up onto his knees and held around himself. 

"Sebastian. Tell me. Why can't I remember?" 

He traced the edges of his teeth with his tongue before leaning back, "Because you shot yourself. You put a gun in your mouth and pulled the trigger. You used a blank but there was bleeding because you held it so close. You had surgery but there were complications and they stopped the bleeding but there was a chance you wouldn't remember." 

Jim's face drained of all colour and he deflated, sitting back now against the headboard as he nodded, processing this. "W-why would I do that?" 

Sebastian rubbed his eyes and shrugged, "I don't know. Because you wanted to win a game. Prove a point. Because he was more important than me." His voice was rough and sharp, like it could cut someone's throat. 

"Oh." Jim said, "I hurt you too." He looked down, feeling ashamed but for something he didn't really understand. He just knew that Sebastian was upset and maybe this was his fault. 

"It's fine. It doesn't matter. You're safe now and I can take you home. Whenever you're ready." He crossed his arms and set his jaw firmly as he looked across the room at Jim. It was like talking to a stranger that looked just like the love of his life. Like he was a different person completely, there wasn't that spark that made him fall in love. 

Jim rubbed his shoulder and sighed, "I need clothes... If we are leaving I need something to wear." 

The sniper got up and pulled out a small suitcase with a pair of jeans and just a tshirt that smelt like him, thinking maybe he'd want it. He put it on the bed and backed up, "Do you want me to leave?" 

"Please." He said quietly, clutching the opening of the dressing gown so his skin didn't show. 

Jim watched as Sebastian left the room and waited a moment before getting up. He let the fluffy white garment fall off his bony shoulders and started getting dressed. Realizing now he would kill someone for a pair of clean pants but for now he could survive one more day without. He pulled in the jeans and fastened them even as they sank low on his hips as they were maybe two sizes too big now. Same with the shirt, it was already large but on his tiny frame it hung off his shoulder and down to his thighs. But it smelt good. Familiar and safe. Like he was home even when he didn't know where that was. Jim pulled the fabric up over his nose and inhaled deeply, his eyes falling closed as he tried to drown himself in the scent. He didn't notice when Sebastian walked in, or that he smiled a little as he watched Jim. Just wanted to keep in this moment for a little while longer.


	9. Chapter 9

Jim's fingers were still curled around the fabric of his shirt, nose buried in it as he drenched himself in the scent that was so strangely familiar. It smelt like cinnamon and whiskey, something musky but clean like the expensive soap he used in the shower moments before. It was all together warm, Jim could almost feel it, that instant warmth of being back where you belong. It made his heart beat a little faster and blood rush through his veins as if it had been frozen the entire time he'd been out here alone. Everything was perfect in that single moment. He sighed contently and let the loose fabric fall away before turning around only to be startled by Sebastian's presence. 

"I'm sorry..." Sebastian rubbed the back of his neck as his smile fell away and he looked down, feeling awkward and getting a little frustrated with the whole situation. "I thought we could go home now. I think you need to be home. Maybe you'll remember something once we're there."

The smaller man just looked Sebastian over as if to search for a lie, something malicious and dangerous. As the silence stretched a little while longer he felt the other man getting impatient with him and simply nodded. 

"Good, okay - right. I think it'll be better for us both." Sebastian's jaw locked as if to stop himself from saying anything else. The tension was getting almost unbearable between them, and he knew it wasn't Jim's fault. He knew it would be hard but he just wanted Jim to remember him. They'd been together for so long. 

"Will it only be the two of us?" Jim asked a little worried that there would be more strangers near him, he wasn't sure if he could handle that right now. 

"Yes, it'll just be me and you. The pilot of course, we have to fly back to London, but I'll make sure it's just us." 

Once Jim had agreed to go with him, and everything was sorted with the hotel room they left together. Sebastian still wasn't allowed to touch Jim in any way, and the skeptical man walked behind Sebastian just to make sure he didn't pull out a knife or gun with his back turned. Jim watched the ground at his feet as they walked to the car that would take them to the airstrip out in the middle of no where. It seemed odd that they didn't go through a commercial airport, but this all was very odd so it didn't surprise him that much. Jim just decided to accept that he wouldn't understand the choices Sebastian made for him hoping that it would make it easier on them both. 

Jim spent the entire flight looking around, keeping himself as small as he could with his body folded in on himself as he examined his new surroundings. He kept a watchful eye on Sebastian as well, finding it curious that he seemed anxious when the plane started moving and even more so that he didn't settle down even as they leveled out. The sight made him relax a little. Something about seeing Sebastian vulnerable helped, made it seem like they were similar in a way. Jim spent more time watching him rather than the world outside his window after that. 

It was just two and a half hours before they touched down, the man who had been so anxious before now seemed much calmer once the plane had stopped and the doors were released. Jim, however, was the opposite. In the air they had been equals, both anxious and maybe a little scared but now he was in a strange place once again. He didn't know where anything was, if they were really in London or if this was still part of some cruel joke being played on him. Sebastian had stood up and walked over towards Jim, but only gathered up the small suitcase and walked to the door, looking over his shoulder towards him. 

"Jim? Come on, sunshine. Just another hour and you'll be home I promise." He gave him a gentle smile and it made Jim stand up from the seat, drawn to him like a moth to flame. 

He cautiously walked down the steps from the small plane and onto the tarmac, a car was waiting a few feet away with a man dressed like a chauffeur stood by an open door. It all seemed very strange, anyone around them nodded towards Jim as if he was someone important, taking his bag without even being asked. Jim's brow furrowed as he tried to understand what was going on but in the end just slid into the back seat silently. Sebastian got in beside him but didn't dare touch, he'd learned that the hard way even though he struggled through it. He would've given anything to hold Jim's hand, lace their fingers together, give him the ring he'd been keeping safe all this time just so it matched his own. He must've sighed rather loudly as it made Jim look over towards him and frown. 

"You're upset." Jim observed.

"No, no I just..." Sebastian swallowed before glancing over towards him, "I missed you so much, and it's like you're still not here."

The words had Jim looking down, feeling as if he'd let Sebastian down for not remembering. Every time he saw him it was like looking at the background of his mobile that had died months ago, he knew he was supposed to love him, but he was so unsure.

"It's okay." The other man said after a moment, "You'll get home and I bet you'll start remembering soon. It'll be okay." He gave Jim a soft smile though it was forced as he tried to convince himself that it would actually be okay.

Jim offered Sebastian a smile out of courtesy, he was trying so hard to help him it was the least he could do now. "It'll be okay."


	10. Chapter 10

They rode together in collective silence, Jim constantly watching the outside world pass them by as he tried to recall any memories that might be lost between streets, buildings, tucked inside the shadows cast by the haze of the city. Nothing came to mind, everything looked as if he was remembering a dream, like it was foggy and distorted and he wasn't sure if they were actual memories or if he was trying too hard to create them from scratch.

The car slowed to a stop in front of a row of houses, all white with thick columns and four steps to the front door. Some of them were the same shade of beige or brown, or a brown stained wood, there were a few brighter colours peppered in all the way down the street. As Sebastian got out of the car Jim watched him, still just as cautious as before regardless of him only trying to help. He still had so many unanswered questions and he was still waiting to feel the same butterflies he felt whenever he looked at that stupid phone or read the message left from SM. Eventually Jim got out of the car and walked with Sebastian up the steps to a glossy black door with a gold knocker in the middle. The blond fished in his pocket for a set of keys that had a small metal tiger and crown keyring dangling from the loop, Jim furrowed his brow and reached out for it as it was still in Sebastian's hand. 

"Yeah, these are your keys..." Sebastian watched him curiously. 

"I really like tigers... Had a lot of dreams about them, just one. Only ever called it Tiger, and it was always the same one." Jim blinked and swallowed before handing them back to Sebastian then crossed his arms, the neck of the shirt falling off his shoulder again. 

He watched Sebastian open the door and looked over his shoulder towards the street where a few people were walking past and wondered if he knew any of them, if they'd wondered where he'd been, or if he should've shouted out for help just in case this was still some elaborate plan to kill him. Still, it was warmer inside the house and he'd been so cold for so long he'd rather die in there than out in the streets, so he followed him in only to be taken aback by the sight. There was marble and rich hard wood everywhere, clean crisp lines and he'd only just started in the entryway. Sebastian had taken his shoes off and then his coat which went into a closet, then his keys were placed into a bowl on a table where white flowers were held in a vase. They were fresh so he must've had someone staying here keeping it clean. Jim put his filthy shoes by Sebastian's and now was just walking around barefoot after not wanting to put his rank socks back on, and they were already going upstairs. 

"What else is down there?" Jim asked as he watched the floor, his feet sinking into plush cream coloured carpet that lined the stairs. 

"Um, yeah I guess you don't remember your house..." Sebastian paused as they walked around the turn of the stairs, "We can do a tour of it later, I thought you'd like to just relax up here..." 

Jim looked back down the stairs which led all the way to two other levels of the house, wondering what all there was. What all did someone need? He followed Sebastian into an open room with a long sofa and two big chairs all covered in leather or soft fabric. Across the room was a large flats screen television and around it held books and disks and peppered throughout were pictures. So many pictures of himself and Sebastian. Jim frowned and walked in, moving like a newborn fawn as if any sudden movements might make him run. He went to the display cases and picked up one of the framed pictures and ran his fingers across the glass. It was the same as the one on his phone, him and the blond one, of SM, of Sebastian. Smiling. So happy and - and the butterflies came back right in the pit of his stomach. Jim swallowed and realised he hadn't been breathing the whole time, letting in a quick gasp of air before turning around towards Sebastian. 

"Why can't I -" His lips trembled before hot, wet tears welled in his eyes, "All of these pictures..." Jim turned back around to look at the others, picking them up too and collecting them in his arms like a hoard. "Why can't I remember?"

It broke Sebastian's heart to watch him struggle, wanting so desperately for Jim to just remember him. Remember that they were in love and happy and just. Fuck. He took a breath and walked over to him. "You went through a trauma...there was a chance you wouldn't remember and I - we talked about it before. You said that you knew you'd never be able to forget me..." He smiled but it was drenched in sadness, "I think you'll remember soon."

Jim turned around and walked over to one of the chairs and sat down with his treasure of pictures, frames clanking together and nearly falling from his lap but he couldn't stop looking at them. Somehow they'd bring him back, somehow he'd remember when he took that picture of them both, or when they were in a boat somewhere sunny, or dressed in suits not looking at the camera but smiling like he'd never seen before. 

"Tell me something? About me. Us. About this picture." Jim held up the one of them smiling at the camera, the one from his phone. 

Sebastian smiled and nodded, "Okay, it's kind of a long story that might not make sense in the beginning but, it's a good one so it shouldn't matter." 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of the picture from the background of Jim's phone

"So we'd had a really busy week," Sebastian started, "and you were absolutely - well you were being a grump if I'm going to be honest."

"I'm not grumpy." Jim mumbled as he looked at the picture framed in his lap. 

"You were that day. So grumpy. You woke up in a sour mood but the sun was out and I wasn't having any of your pouting." Sebastian leaned back in the chair just opposite Jim's and grinned as he began telling the story.

 

 

> "Come on. Get up. It's only half nine and the sun is shining for the first time in two weeks." Sebastian pushed at Jim's limp body still under the duvet. 
> 
> "No. Go away and let me sleep." 
> 
> "No, you've been a nightmare all week and it isn't my fault you scheduled two meetings for the same day yesterday but now It's over and we have the whole day." He pulled back the duvet uncovering his lover and his pale naked body. "There he is..." 
> 
> "I'll put a knife in your spine unless you PUT. THAT. BACK." Jim growled with his face still firmly in the pillow. "What the fuck!?" He shouted and turned over. 
> 
> Sebastian, who had given Jim a very hard smack to his bare arse was grinning like a cat with the cream. "Good you're up." 
> 
> Jim pushed himself out of the bed and chased after Sebastian until they were in the kitchen down the stairs, both panting and both ready to pounce on the other. Jim's eyes narrowed and he grabbed a knife out of the block by the counter. 
> 
> "Whoa! Cheating..." Sebastian held up his hands.
> 
> "Scared?" Jim threatened. Both still stark naked leaving so many things exposed to the threat. 
> 
> Sebastian matched Jim's glare with his own and quickly grabbed a sheet tray from under the oven as a shield. 
> 
> "Come and get me...if you're brave enough." 
> 
> Jim hesitated for a minute before running after Sebastian with the steak knife still in his hand, probably the least safe thing he could be doing but he was determined to win. Of course there wasn't a competition happening so what he'd win he didn't know, or care, just the knowledge of beating Sebastian was always enough. They both ran around the kitchen island before Jim swiped the knife by Sebastian's leg catching his thigh but only giving him a tiny cut. Though that's when the sniper grabbed a tea-towel and spun it into a whip, snapping it at Jim's feet.
> 
> "Ouch!" Jim shouted as the towel hit his ankle.
> 
> "You cut me with a knife! I think you can handle a tea-towel." Sebastian grinned. 
> 
> Jim slammed the knife onto the kitchen counter and just went for him, running at Sebastian with both hands out until they were both crashing to the floor and Jim pinning him down. He gripped onto Sebastian's wrists as he held his arms up over his head and sat on his stomach. 
> 
> "Say it."
> 
> "Get off me!"
> 
> "Say. It." 
> 
> Sebastian groaned as if in pain and then with the most defeated look on his face sighed, "You win." 
> 
> Jim lifted his chin and smiled as he got up, looking smug as ever. Though it was short lived as Sebastian grabbed his ankle making him fall down again giving him time to jump up and run back up the stairs calling out, "Loser!" as he ran. 
> 
> It was almost twelve by the time they'd had showers and something to eat, finally in some clothes and Jim convinced that going out for the day would be fun. He wasn't sure what was so bad about staying in when they'd obviously just had fun that morning, a lot of fun once they were back upstairs in their bedroom especially. But there they were, dressed casually which meant jeans and one of Sebastian's tee's for them both and in a cab going to Greenwich. Sebastian had the cab stop outside a Sainsbury's  so he could run in and get "bits" though Jim knew what that meant. Twenty minutes later he came out with two bags full of rubbish and a grin plastered across his face. 
> 
> "Did you even get me-"
> 
> "Of course." Sebastian shoved a bag of Magic Stars into Jim's hands which had him humming and then leaning against his arm as he munched on chocolate stars the rest of the way. 
> 
> They got out at the entrance of the park and Sebastian took Jim's hand without skipping a beat and they were walking through with two bags worth of picnic food along with the other weekenders enjoying the rare sunny day. Walking until they found the perfect grassy spot, Jim took off his shoes and socks to feel the sun warmed grass under his bare feet and just tilted his head up towards the sun with his eyes closed like a cat sunbathing. Sebastian only smiled as he watched him then discarded his shoes and socks as well but sat down instead, spreading out his jacket for Jim to sit on, knowing he'd rather that than grass stains. They ate sandwiches, crisps, scotch eggs and then Sebastian destroyed sausage rolls, pasta and another sandwich before he decided lunch was finished. Jim was leaning against him with his head on Sebastian's shoulder and a smile on his face when the ex-soldier asked for a picture. 
> 
> "Hmm?" Jim opened his eyes.
> 
> "C'mon, take a picture with me." Sebastian prodded his lover's side. 
> 
> "Alright, alright, needy." Jim got his phone out of his pocket and moved closer so Sebastian's arm could wind around his waist and before he could take it, Sebastian grunted.
> 
> "No, you gotta smile. Really smile." 
> 
> After he rolled his eyes Jim licked his lips before smiling, then laughing after Sebastian tickled his side just when he took the picture. 
> 
> "Oi! You want to lose a finger?" Jim pushed him before looking at the picture. 
> 
> "Give it here then, let's see." Sebastian reached for the phone before it was snatched away. 
> 
> "No...no it's just mine now." He held his phone to his chest like it was some big secret. 
> 
>  
> 
>  

"Then what happened?" Jim was on the edge of his seat then, wondering why he wouldn't show Sebastian the picture.

Sebastian smiled, "Then I just took another on my phone because I wanted the picture, and that was that. I let you keep your secret picture without bugging you about it because I knew if I did you'd just delete it. Then we walked up to the observatory and looked around, we kissed a lot," he smiled again, "and then we walked down to this really nice pub that have the best olives and bread. We had dinner, walked around some more and then got a hotel room for the night." 

Jim looked at Sebastian for a minute before looking back down at the picture, thinking about how much he loved it because it gave him some hope when he was out there alone, knowing someone loved him so much, knowing he had a home somewhere. But now he saw where Sebastian's fingers were in his side, how his mouth was open just a little because he was laughing and it made his eyes wrinkle at the corners. 

"It's my favourite picture..." Jim said quietly as if only just discovering that to be true when it was really the only one until about an hour ago that he knew about.

Sebastian watched him curiously, wondering if he was remembering. "Yeah you...you never told me why you didn't show me. A few months later it just appeared on the shelf and it took me about a week to realise when it was from. You'd always just said it's yours."

"It is mine." Jim said firmly. "It's my picture. It's mine." He held it so tight it was a wonder the frame didn't break in his hand. 

"I know it's yours. I always, I've always listened to you even when we were kids and I knew it wasn't a good idea. I always listen to you." 

Jim frowned again, brows pinched together as he looked at Sebastian. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you blame me." 

Sebastian leaned back some, jaw tight and he knew he couldn't hide from Jim's clever gaze not even now. "I don't-"

"You blame me. You blame me for this, for all of this I know you do. I can see it, because you're sad that I'm like this but you aren't - you aren't..." Jim put his hands into fists at the sides of his head and groaned, "There's something you're not feeling that you should be. To me. You're sad that I can't remember but you're angry because I can't remember you."

"Don't tell me what I'm angry about." Sebastian snapped, making Jim's eyes dart up as if startled at the raised voice. "Sorry - I just - I am angry but that isn't a conversation we have to have now."

There was a heavy silence between them now, falling over them like snow killing the once green grass they'd spent the day on where this picture had been taken. Slowly going brown and dead, soggy soppy mess of mud under unforgiving boots ruining everything. Jim took a few long breaths and stood up.

"I'm hungry." 

"Okay." Sebastian looked up at him and nodded, "C'mon I'll make you something." He sniffed and stood up to lead Jim downstairs to the kitchen. 

It was beaming with light compared to the other room which only really had the outside evening light coming through windows and a lamp or two but when Sebastian turned on the lights here it bounced off the marble counter tops and the stainless steel appliances making it gleam and glitter. Jim sat down on one of the bar stools around the kitchen island, remembering the story about them running around it with a knife and tea-towel. He watched as Sebastian began getting things out of a very stocked fridge and he frowned again as he was thinking. 

"Why's the fridge so full if I haven't been here for so long?" 

"Because I live here." Sebastian said as he put two pieces of bread on a plate before buttering one side of each. 

"Oh. We lived together." Jim nodded as he watched. 

"Mmhm," he put each piece on a the grill pan making the butter sizzle then he added cheese and Italian meat. "We've lived together since we were fifteen, only moved out once before I was deployed because we thought it would make it easier since I'd be gone so long." 

"Was it?"

"No, we moved back in together three days later and spent every moment together before I left." 

"How long were you gone?" Jim asked as he reached over and took a slice of salami from the package. 

"First tour was eighteen months, but I was in the army until I was thirty. We'd have time in between of course. From a few weeks to two years once. Best two years...we rented a house in Mexico and lived there for a year, just on the beach, eating the best food, having the best sex..." He grinned and turned the stove down some so the cheese would melt but the bread didn't burn.

Jim nodded and just watched him. 

"I've been waiting on you to ask me if I've seen anyone since you - since this happened." Sebastian said with a tight jaw and unwilling to turn around. 

"Why would I ask - I suppose it would've been normal to ask that. Had I remembered. You're going on habit." 

"Yeah." 

"Have you?"

"No."

"Okay." 

There was silence again, just the low hum of the appliance being on and then the scratch of a spatula under the toasted bread as Sebastian took it off the grill and placed it onto the plate for Jim. 

"I have." Jim said quietly. 

Sebastian couldn't say he was ready for that admission but wasn't entirely sure if Jim meant it. 

"I let a lot of people have sex with me for money. I'm sorry." He stared at the plated food and reached out to take it.

There was a twisting knot in his stomach now, because just fucking to feel someone near you was one thing but he didn't think - didn't even imagine that Jim had to find some way to make money. To sleep in a bed for a night or two. Sebastian felt like his throat was closing up and he thought he might get sick just from the thought alone.

"That's- " Sebastian paused, hands tight fists, "that isn't what we meant by 'be with anyone'...that was - that was surviving." 

Jim crossed his arms around his body and nodded, "I don't think I'll ever want to do _that_ again."

"You never have to." Sebastian reached out and touched Jim's hand but he flinched and pulled it away.

"No I mean," he swallowed, "I don't want to do  _that_ again. At all. I don't want to have sex again." 

Sebastian nodded, he couldn't blame Jim for that, he didn't know what he went through out there for seven months, all alone. Sex wasn't everything. He'd gone without for a while now so... but still. They had this connection, like nothing he'd ever had with anyone else. It was like their own language without saying a word. He watched as Jim slowly began to eat and just sat there on the other side of the island, wondering what was going on in that beautiful mind of his. If he'd ever get in there again, or if he was lost to Jim now, just the one who promised to save him after a few days but was seven months late. 


End file.
